Learn to think positively.
Now is a difficult time. Over the past few weeks I have repeated this phrase countless times - at work, at home, in the country, and visiting friends. And each time these words turned out to be the beginning of a long conversation that our world is heading nowhere, that we need to change our lives, that anxieties and fears are literally spread in the air. Therefore, the proposal to stop complaining at least for one week, led me at a loss: what then to talk about? But deep down in my heart I myself agreed that a person’s life in many respects depends on himself. And an attempt to abandon negative thoughts and words is generally a painless and, importantly, free way to change your life.
We proceed from the widespread psychological theory that when we talk about unpleasant things, we fill the space around us with negative energy. Of course, each of us wants to talk about the painful, but it does more harm than good. And life, ultimately, depends on our thoughts. So try to drive away unpleasant thoughts, and it will become easier for you. And the first step to controlling our thoughts is to monitor what we say and how. Stop complaining about a difficult life, and gradually everything will work out - what could be easier? Frankly, it was this simplicity that always seemed suspicious to me. Suppose I stop complaining about the economic crisis - will the rent decrease from this? Or maybe the tights that my daughters tear almost every day will become cheaper? Nevertheless, I decided to try.
Day One 50 complaints per hourI complained twice, before I could even get out of bed: the weather on the street was disgusting, and again I did not get enough sleep. She complained four times while preparing breakfast for her husband and daughters, and again fifteen, while collecting the girls for school. And this is not counting the woeful lamentations when I ran around the apartment, trying to find the keys, and the kids, already in raincoats and boots, were waiting for me at the door and in the middle of a fight. A psychologist from the University of Louisville, whose article I read the night before on the Internet, says that complaining about a hard life is one of the best ways to get close to strangers. Moreover, the more people get together, the more often they complain. For example, at a bus stop you can hear up to 50 complaints per hour, that is, one complaint every minute. Well, on the first morning of the experiment, I complained as often as a crowd of people at a bus stop. Great start! The girls had to bribe. I promised them a thousand rubles at the end of the week, but I promised to deduct a ruble from this amount for each negative statement. Since the children whine even more often than I did, there was no doubt that they would owe me this at the end of the week. The same psychologist wrote that negative statements can turn out to be not only a reason for rapprochement, but also with the same success relationships of people. When in the morning you groan that you haven’t slept, are tired and want to go on vacation, your relatives often take all this at their own expense. And they think that it is because of them that you get tired and go to bed too late. It’s not too pleasant, is it? That is, the matter, most likely, is not only the words that we pronounce, but also why we are doing this. The phrase “Something has cooled again”, uttered to meet new neighbors, is a great option. And "Well, it is getting colder again. What will we do on the weekend? ” - it may turn out to be insulting to her husband: it means that you are bored with him and you don’t know what to do? In the evening a friend calls me with amazing news: our mutual friend, who is famous for her ability to eat and drink at someone else’s expense, was fired from work! At another time, I would love to talk about all the nasty things that we had to endure because of a dismissed acquaintance, but here I just say: “I hope she settles somewhere soon.” Girlfriend is worried: "You are not sick? Did something happen to you? Can't you talk? " Having learned about the beginning of the experiment, he is surprised and tries to talk about something pleasant. In about two minutes, the conversation ends.
Conclusion: if this goes on, my friends will begin to consider me a bore, because talking to each other only amenities is terribly boring.
Day Two Negative TrianglesThe girls got up at 7.30 and started Saturday morning with self-preparation of fritters. This was followed by a heated quarrel over who should wash the dishes, the floor, the sink, the table and the chairs, which were stained during the preparation process. From my room I listened to their cries: "Harm!" “It's all your fault!” “You always make me clean!” - “Fool!” But she didn’t interfere. Because when you interfere in the conversation of people who sort things out, you create a “negative triangle”. That is, you create a situation where two quarreling people begin to complain to you and attract you as a judge. After about ten girls reconciled and went to their room to watch TV, then the nightmarish consequences of non-interference appeared before me in all its glory. A full sink of dirty dishes, a broken egg on the stove, smeared in small doses on all horizontal surfaces. Of course, I could not help but speak out. After I ceased to be indignant and the dishes were washed, my 11-year-old daughter Dasha went into the room, closed from the inside and sent angry messages to school friends for half an hour. And the 8-year-old Ksyusha plowed pitifully under the door. Surely the psychologist and the author of the theory of “negative triangles” would be unhappy, but I understand perfectly well: if the girls did not complain to their friends about their parents, they would grow up to be patients of this same psychologist. By the way, mothers who never complain to girlfriends about girls and their dads will go straight to the same doctor.
Conclusion: it is probably sometimes still better to create a “negative triangle” in a timely manner to prevent even more negative consequences.
Day Three: Warm RefrigeratorOn Sunday, I woke up in a good mood and with an optimistic intention to spend the day without negative conversations. But a surprise awaited me - a warm fridge. During the night, the milk in it turned sour, and when my husband poured milk into hot coffee, a disgusting liquid with white lumps turned out. The result is just a few negative statements that I tried my best not to answer. But then the most difficult part was coming: three months ago we were already repairing the refrigerator, which in the same way had become warm in the morning. And now I had to call the repair company and demand that this time our refrigerator be repaired for free. And how can you arrange a re-repair without complaining? Psychologists helped me, too, who believe that if you express your thoughts without nerves and in a friendly manner, then the conversation is not considered negative. Surprisingly, the refrigerator repair company worked on Sunday. The operator listened to me and suspiciously easily agreed to send a master who will determine the cause of the breakdown. And if the reason is the same, then the repair will be free. The only bad news: she could send the masters to us only on Thursday. In the normal state, I would, of course, be indignant and accuse the operator of the disgusting organization of work. But then I politely asked how to speed up the process. And then a miracle - the girl advised me to send a written complaint to the company director by fax. We did this on the same day, and on Monday morning they promised to send me the master during the day. Conclusion: I do not know what helped here (a positive approach to talking with the operator or a combination of circumstances), but we can assume that we figured out relatively easy. And for free!
Day Four Silence - GoldPsychologists say that it takes at least three weeks to get used to positive conversations and thoughts. But it seems that in my case, the only way to do without negative statements is to simply keep your mouth shut. I said nothing when Ksenia at the last minute before leaving for school remembered that she had physical education today. And Dasha didn’t answer when she pleased me in the elevator that tomorrow in English she needed a little Oxford dictionary. And this means that after work I need to catch a bookstore. I just nodded, and that’s all. When I got to the office, my husband called. His mother got a sick cat, and in the evening he needs to take his mother and cat to the vet, and the husband will not be able to take the girls to the pool by half-past six. But maybe he will have time to pick them up. Positive psychology says that if you let go of the situation and hope for the best, then there will certainly be some opportunity. Since my chances of taking the girls to the pool were almost nil, I decided to do just that. At lunch, my classmate Dasha’s mother called me and asked if I would mind if she and Dasha would invite the girls to their place after school, and then they would all go to the pool together? Oh my god, what a blessing! Of course, I will not mind! My husband did not have time for the kids in the pool, and I had to go there myself. At the doorway, I met Dasha’s mom’s classmate. “Have you noticed what terrible traffic jams today?” She asked. Traffic jams in Moscow are not even a complaint, they are just a favorite topic for discussion. In the city there is not a single person who would refuse to support this topic. Except me. Instead of ardently joining the discussion, I say indifferently: "In my opinion, everything is as usual." My interlocutor was clearly upset, and I left completely upset. She helped me out so much, and I offended her, not wanting to keep up the conversation about traffic jams. My husband arrived at 11 o’clock, tired and angry. He lay down in bed, covered himself with a blanket and snored. And I lay nearby, listened to his snoring and was tormented: to wake him or not? If you wake up, I will probably say something negative, but if I am silent, it is unlikely that I will be able to fall asleep quickly. And my heart was so dreary that I really wanted to send positive theories to hell. Conclusion: I do not know if the expressed negative thoughts spoil life. But the fact that unspoken negative thoughts spoil life is a fact.
Day Five. But what about the money?In the evening, my husband and daughters watched a movie. We ordered pizza home, prepared popcorn and washed it all down with the most harmful carbonated drinks. The film was a continuation of a wonderful family comedy, which we really like. The second part was so stupid that even the girls offered to turn it off after thirty minutes. The husband said: “It sucks! Money thrown away! ” Of course, I looked at him very severely (after all, negative conversations are forbidden!), But I did not say anything (after all, negative conversations are forbidden). As a result, we silently sat at the table, chewed pizza, drank cola, which we forgot to close the lid and from which bubbles came out during the viewing, and were silent. And you know what? Then my patience came to an end. I have a great attitude to the science of psychology in general and to individual psychologists in particular, but why can't I say out loud what I think? Even if I think about something not too positive? When my grandmother was seriously ill and literally died in her arms a few years ago, I never complained. The girls were still very young, we all lived together in an ordinary three-room apartment, and the whole house rested on me. Then it was clear to me that there was nobody to hope for, and, biting my lips, I did what needed to be done. No one has heard a single complaint from me during this time, because this is life, and it had to be dealt with. That is, my own experience shows that in critical situations I pull myself together and do not whine. So, maybe when I complain in non-critical situations, is it just a necessary discharge for me? And it’s still not known what’s worse — to constantly complain about a difficult life or to keep silent about what worries you and think about it all day? Did the refrigerator break because it was dishonestly repaired? You have every reason to be unhappy. 11-year-old daughter forgot that she needs a dictionary tomorrow? Maybe once you don’t buy what she needs so that she receives a comment from the teacher and in the future does not forget about important things. Talk about traffic jams? And why not! I put the glass on the table and said: “The movie is shitty! And the cola without bubbles tastes terrible, let’s pour it. ” I think my whole family breathed a sigh of relief. The children asked: “What about the money?” After conferring with her husband, we decided that the children honestly earned their thousand rubles by participating in the experiment.
Day SixI woke up and expressed everything that I think about the need to get up on the alarm clock. Swore at the girls for what they, as usual, do everything at the last minute. She commented on the impeccable taste of her husband, who put on a brown suit with blue socks. And, finally, she felt herself. Excuse me, dear readers and editorial staff, I failed the experiment! I prefer to talk freely about what I like and dislike. I prefer to laugh, cry, curse and enjoy life - in a word, express emotions that overwhelm me, without regard to psychologists. What I wish you.
You will succeed!Although in general the theory of positive and negative conversations did not pass my test in practice, I will use some ideas.1. When a problem occurs, you need to speak calmly and kindly. And then people will be ready to meet you. 2. If possible, do not interfere in other people's conflicts and do not create “negative triangles”. But, if the situation itself requires your intervention, this must be done. 3. Phrases: “Well and the weather!” or "Today's terrible traffic jams" - this is not a complaint about life, but just the opportunity to start a conversation with others. After all, these topics concern everyone, do not they? 4. No need to force yourself to be silent when something unpleasant happens. But you can look for positive events in events. For example, this: after work I have to run to the store for a dictionary for my daughter, but at the same time you can buy an interesting book for myself. Otherwise, when would I still get into the bookstore!