Relationships with friends
Over time, we change, and so do our relationships with friends. We get closer with someone, and see someone a couple of times a year and find topics for conversation with difficulty. Does this mean that the friendship is over?
Andrei and I have theater tickets for today, the start in two hours! And my mother just said that she was sick and could not sit with the children. Please, can I throw Lena and Lisa to you on the way to the theater? I understand that all this is not on time, but what should I do! "- such a request was addressed to me by my friend Karina. Her voice in the telephone receiver was so mournful that I simply could not find the strength to refuse. Although, probably, I had to do this: my husband was on a business trip, my throat was starting to hurt, and I really wanted to go to bed early that day, and not watch how four children jumped around the apartment - my two and two Karinins. But two tickets cost almost 10 thousand rubles, and I know that Karina is really very rarely able to go to the theater, however, like any working mother of two children.
“Okay, bring them to our house,” I agreed. "You are a true friend! - rejoiced Karina. “Can they spend the night with you, huh?” And tomorrow morning, Andrei will pick them up and take them to school? ”
There was nowhere to retreat, and I agreed. Needless to say, in the morning Andrei was stuck in traffic jam and I had to first bring my children to school and kindergarten, and then also take the Karinin girls? This was probably the first serious blow to our friendship when I thought: do I need this relationship?
The second blow happened a few months later. We invited Karina with her husband and children to dinner with us. They arrived an hour and a half later (they didn’t answer our phone calls), and when they did appear, Karina waved a small packet in my face: “Can I fire a piece of chicken for Helen? She doesn't like the way you cook. ”
And finally, the final blow. During the winter holidays, we were going to ice skate with our children. We discussed time and day for a long time, in the end we agreed. They promised the girls that after the rink we’ll go to the cafe to drink hot chocolate and eat pies. Children counted the days before this trip. Now imagine that on the appointed day we call in for Karina, and her mother opens the door. It turns out that my friend made an appointment with Lisa to the doctor, which is very difficult to get to, and left for an appointment. I understand everything, children's health is very important. But why didn't she even call me to warn?
All day I did not find a place for myself, and in the evening, when I was telling this story to my husband in tears, he reasonably declared: “It's time to stop it, don't you understand?” Yes, if you think that Karina took the time to call me and apologize, then know: she did not.
I thought for a long time about whether my husband was right. By what signs can you understand that friendship is a thing of the past and you should not waste your time and nerves on relationships that no one needs?
When something truly terrible happens, no such questions arise. If a friend slept with your husband or borrowed a lot of money from you and said that she would never give it back, you won’t think about whether to continue the relationship. But if she takes from you from time to time five hundred rubles and never returns? Or forgets to warn that the trip to the rink is canceled, does this mean that friendship is over? Think about these typical situations.
You once studied at the institute together and were closer than sisters. You two were preparing for the exams, you knew everything about each other’s hobbies, quarreled over fans, talked on the phone until dawn and got into such trouble that it’s even scary to remember them now. After graduation, you got married, and your girlfriend is still in search of your soulmate. You have children that you love very much, and she loves traveling and changes men like gloves. At 30, you and her became completely different people. And when every few months you meet, then the dialogue does not work. One of you talks about your life, and the second listens without any interest. Is it worth talking about friendship here?
She has a terrible boss and nightmarish colleagues. Her mother has plagued her since childhood. She is in constant search for a relationship with her husband, and her children endlessly suffer from the worst diseases that you can imagine. And at first you listen to all her complaints about life and even give advice, because you are not a beast and sympathize with your friend! Maybe you are even trying to help her and suggest ways out of complicated situations. But over time, it becomes clear that she does not need the way out, as well as your practical help. And after another telephone conversation, you feel as if you just donated two liters of blood as gratuitous help. Do you need such a girlfriend?
Your child calls from the cinema: “Mom, the film is over, but Mom’s car didn’t come for us. She says that we will walk around the mall while she arrives in an hour, she mixed up time. ” You all drop out and go pick up the children from the movies. How many times have you rescheduled meetings with a friend or rescued her at the last moment, because she “mixed up time” or “completely forgot” something very important? And if each time you find yourself less important than the circumstances that she “completely forgot” about, does this mean that you should forget about her?
If you and your families decided to have a sandwich for a meal in the nearest park, then it brings with you a sophisticated salad of a dozen ingredients and canapes, decorated with curly slices of colorful vegetables, as well as disposable dishes and matching napkins. And you, with your whipped up sandwiches, look pretty pale. When you manage to find a good summer camp with English classes for children, she is very happy for you. But right there she talks about the fact that her son will go to a camp on the sea, where there are horse riding and cable car, and certified psychologists work with each child on the ability to interact with others and solve all issues together. If a school hour is arranged for girls at school, where mothers and their daughters must make a holiday card, your girlfriend not only issues a real masterpiece in 15 minutes, but also saves your crooked craft. She wins the competitions over and over again, in which you were not even going to participate. How does this work out?
You've only known each other for several months, but already look forward to every new meeting, because amazing stories are constantly happening with your new girlfriend. Stunning strangers save her from death, a real oligarch takes care of her, her child is a child prodigy, and now she is taking him to a school for gifted children, her husband is about to make a million ... You listen to all this with your mouth open. But do you really believe all this?
You consider her your closest friend, you are ready to entrust her any secret and know that she will not fail in a difficult situation. But recently, each of you has been so busy with children, work, and family that you rarely meet. And if you think about it, it turns out that over the past year you saw each other once or twice. The maximum that you have enough time for is short messages on social networks. And if you really be frank to the end, then you can’t get the secrets from her either: once ... So are you still friends?
EIf you notice that difficulties began to appear in communication with a friend, know: this is the right time to review your relationship. And also to realize what place this friendship occupies in your life now - not after college and not when your children went to the same kindergarten, but today. Are these relationships worth the time and effort you put into them? And do you really invest in them as much as you think?
If you need friends and the support that they can give you, it is best to create a small group of friends, psychologists advise. At the same time, you will come closest to someone the closest; you will simply be in good friendly relations with someone. The advantages here are obvious: when you keep in touch with several friends at once, you relate to them more easily and do not require too much.
Imagine: if your only close friend has finally adjusted her personal life and got married, she is unlikely to have much time for you. This can turn into a real tragedy. But, if you have several friends, you will not find yourself in an emotional vacuum, you can soberly assess the situation and humanly understand your girlfriend. And in fact, if she finally found the man of her dreams, it is not surprising that she no longer sees anyone around. In other words, if you expect that one friend will give everything you need in communication, you are likely to be disappointed in her. If you do not put anyone on a pedestal, then there is no risk of disappointment.
The second point that psychologists pay attention to: not everything is worth discussing with a girlfriend. Perhaps it seems to you that you have become not so close, because you are not telling each other everything to the last detail, as in school. But in fact, you just matured, became wiser, and realized that there are issues that are not worth discussing even with a close friend.
Friendship is instantly affected by changes in lifestyle. If one of the friends marries, gives birth to a child, switches to more responsible work or gets divorced, this immediately affects the relationship. And another sign of a wise attitude to life lies precisely in the fact that a certain pause in the relationship does not become a collapse for you. After all, you understand that there are objective reasons for the break and they have nothing to do with personal attachments.
Moreover, even if something really unpleasant happened in the relationship with a friend, do not rush to tear them apart. Even if she cannot find a common language with your husband and does not understand how to abandon a career for children, do not write angry letters and do not say harsh words. Over time, your girlfriend will also marry and become a mother, and then you can understand each other and become closer than ever.
If, after analyzing your relationship with a friend, you realize that you are no longer ready to put up with the negative aspects of her character, try to change something. But do not try to remake your girlfriend, this is the way to nowhere. It’s best to try to change your view of the relationship itself. For example, you know that with your absent-minded girlfriend it is a lot of fun on holidays and birthdays, and in responsible matters she can fail. So give up sharing important things, but keep celebrating birthdays together. And the ideal girlfriend should be attracted just when you need help with important issues: she will take this very seriously and will do everything in her power.
No matter what men say, friendship is very important for women. She gives us the necessary psychological support and comfort. Indeed, real friends are in trouble, but it happens that real friends are so reliable that they do not allow even greater trouble.
The more friends you have, the better your relationship with them.
Two years ago, when I went to the hospital for several days, my friends, whom we rarely see each other due to lack of time, organized an “evening club”. They took turns bringing dinner in the evening for my husband and children, so they did not have to eat semi-finished foods all this time. And all this was started by the very Karina, who so irresponsibly went to the doctor when we were going to the rink, and threw me her children for the whole night.
Here is the most valuable advice. out of everything that psychologists spoke to me about when preparing this article: our anger needs a way out. And it makes no sense to tear anger at those who fell under your hot hand. It makes no sense to complain to third parties about the one who offended you: “No, can you imagine what she did ?!” It is much more constructive to talk and find out the relationship with the one who caused the negative emotions.
Three months have passed since Karina went to the doctor instead of ice skating. We called up several times with her, but never talked about what happened that day. I did not tell how my daughters were upset and how I myself was overwhelmed with anger. Or maybe it's worth it? I picked up the phone and called Karina.
PHOTO: PRO. CORBIS / FOTOSA.RU. TEXT: ACCORDING TO THE BETSY RAPOPORT MATERIAL